Food for thought

Here's a little ditty you may enjoy:

CRAYONS IN MY SOIUP


Waiter, oh waiter
There are crayons in my soup
I didn’t order this
How can I recoup?

Waiter, oh waiter
There’s a sock in my salad
Is this some kind
Of new dining-out fad?

Waiter, oh waiter
There’s a fish in my drink
You’ve pushed me too far this time
I should think

Waiter, oh waiter
There’s a bird on my truffle
I’m really mad now
My feathers are ruffled

Waiter, oh waiter
Just bring me the check
I can sum up my meal
In one word – BLECK!

One year later...

This August marks the one year anniversary of me writing this blog. I would like to publicly thank my bro-in-law for nicely coercing me into this venture. When I started doing this, I decided to give it one calendar yearto try it. I've decided I like it and will try to devote time at regular intervals to continue writing it. I would also like to thank the few loyal readers, your comments only add fuel to the fire. Please share this site with friends and family. Peace out, yo.

Sports advice

Once again, the world of sports has provided material to share with you. Overheard at a recent soccer match just before a penalty kick;
"Make a wall boys. Cover your groin." Really, if you think about it, this is good advice no matter what you are doing, especially that last part.

I feel pretty

This morning, my trusty bar of Dial soap fell apart into splinters. I went to the closet for another bar, but alas there was none. The wife tells me there is a fresh bar of soap two shelves down. To my horror, I see that it is a bar of Caress - chick soap! I have no choice but to force myself to use it.

Oddly enough, I have this strange urge to walk on the beach with my mom and talk about feeling fresh, to frolic in a meadow of daisies, to have a wine and cheese picnic. Gotta go, I feel another hot flash coming on.

Dr. Poop

The vet's office is the only place I know of that thanks you for dropping off poop.

Sacred cows roasted here

As I walk into the bathroom the other night, I see the wife viciously flicking her tongue with my toothbrush.
Wife: "Oh, here. Sorry I used your toothbrush by accident."
I was speechless. She then laughs, because the look on my face is priceless she says. I understand about germs and kissing and all that, but it's the principle. Is nothing sacred?

Happy Anniversary

With the impending arrival of our 14th wedding anniversary, I asked the wife to join me for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants after work. The wife, the girl and I (the boy at soccer camp got take-out) enjoyed a nice dinner with great food. Just as we finished the meal, the girl says her tummy hurts. I asked her if she needed to go to the restroom, and she proceeds to vomit into her hands and then her napkin when her hands were full.

The wife is telling me to find our waitress, who has vanished. She flags down some bussers and proclaims an emergency. Within seconds, our table is flooded with people, mopping up and offering towels and napkins galore. The girl was covered in emesis from her dress to her feet - imagine vomit covered flip-flops. We cleaned her up as best we could and the wife skated out of there like a rocket, bringing the girl home before another wave hit. The girl let loose in the garbage can on the ride home. My poor wife, the nurse, absolutely cannot tolerate vomit. I give her credit for not blowing chunks herself. Happy Anniversary.

Bowel 911

The boy ran into the house from the pool soaking wet and headed for the bathroom. We have harped on these two kids about drying off before using the bathroom.
Wife: "Hey, dry off first!"
Boy: "I gonna poop myself!" This was said with such urgency that we had to laugh. At what age do you have more than a five second warning for important bodily functions?

Circus boy

The boy ran in the door today, very excited to show me his new talent. He placced a balloon in his right nostril, plugged his left nostril, and proceeded to inflate the balloon. He then let it fly out of his nostril around the room until it ran out of air and landed on the floor, raising his hands in the air and proclaiming, "Ta-da." I wonder if this is how Houdini started.

David slew the oven

Everybody knows the story of David and Goliath - the small man takes down the big man with a sling shot. This very story was acted out in our home just a few weeks ago. The boy was given a sling shot - a wrist rocket, a super powerful sling shot - by his friend. Without warning, he grabbed a metal marble and shot into the air, in the living room.

It arced over the love seat, the kitchen table, and the countertops until it impacted the glass front door of our new oven. I came home from work to a paper bag full of tiny pieces of black glass. The boy is grounded until he's 45, and the new glass is installed. We now have a white trash kitchen. Coming soon, a '77 Monte Carlo on blocks in the front yard.

Peanut Butter

This past week, we were down South visiting the Bro-in-law and his family. All the children were gently reminding the adults not to use swear words, by saying "Peanut Butter" every time we swore. Here are some sample excerpts:
"Kiss my peanut butter!"
"Shut up peanut butter head!"
"You smell like peanut butter."
"What the peanut butter are you talking about?"

We went through a lot of peanut butter that weekend.