Oh nuts

We were eating brownies with nuts in them for a snack.
The Girl: These would be better without the nuts.
The Boy: I agree, no nuts.
The Wife: I like nuts.
Me: Yes, Your mother is a fans of nuts.
The Boy: Dad, stop being sick.
The Wife: Not everything your dad says is sick you know.
Me: Yea, but this time it was.

The Boy is getting too old and too smart for these types of conversations at the dinner table. We will have to start speaking in code.

Leroy Da Vinci

Tonight the family decided to play a game called Apples to Apples. The objecti of this game is to match your cards (with people's names and places on them) to the card chosen by a player with a word on it, such as wicked or funny.

The card the duaghter has chosen was "Brilliant." I put down my card with Leonardo Da Vinci on it. She read the card aloud, when she came to my card she said, "Leroy Da Vinci." We all cracked up. Everyone knows only his closest friends called him Leroy.

Lost

The family spent much of the day cleaning the basement. Here is the conversation from the dinner table:

Me: Wow, we found a lot of lost things today; your (daughter) planner, the state of Ohio (puzzle piece), I wonder what else we might find. Pluto (it's not a planet any more), the Jupiter 2 - it was lost in space, the cast of Lost - they're all lost.
Daughter: Like your hair, that's lost.
Family: Hilarious laughter!
Son: Dad, you've been schooled!

No wonder adults drink alcohol.

Scaring girls

Last night, the daughter had a friend over for a sleepover. They were outside in our backyard fort claiming there was a monster, possibly an alligator, in the wetlands behind our house. I went out to dispell any fears they had. As I left, I grabbed a stick and pounded on the bottom of the floor. Instantly I heard screaming. I went up the ladder, stomping my feet as I approached to door to the fort. I heard cries for help from two young voices. I entered the door and began laughing. One girl was under a small table and the other was hiding under a blanket, both were crying. You can imagine I was not expecting this reaction and felt horrible. After we all left the fort, the girls were laughing about it and told me they actually enjoyed it, even though they cried. Moral of the story: boys are more fun to scare than girls.

Don't buy this

The wife has decided to tutor the kids on the fine art of playing Monopoly. Here is a conversation I overheard:
Wife: Remember, in my strategy guide titled How to Crush your opponent and then laugh maniacally while they are poor and homeless, I told you to buy EVERYTHING you land on then double the price and start pimping your opponents. Kindness is weakness, crying is for wussies! The only good transaction leaves your opponent bloody and under your boot heel.

With this kind of tutoring, how can they possibly lose?