Cold Snap

There's a cold snap headed for the Midwest this weekend, by cracky! Does anybody know WHY it's called a Cold Snap? Because it gets soooo cold that things begin to snap off. Things like tree branches, icicles, fingers, ears, you get the point. It's so cold the dogs are peeing ice cubes. It's so cold I saw a bird frozen in mid-air. It's so cold there's a herd of penguins on our pond (do penguins travel in herds?). What happened to global warming? How come the glaciers are melting but my garage door is frozen shut? I think I'm gonna buy a case of Aqua Net hairspray and deplete more of the Ozone layer. My fingers are frozen to the keyboardddddddd.

Mars &Venus

OK folks, here is a rare glimpse into the male psyche, in comparison to the female psyche. Women continue wiping themselves after Number 2 until they are clean. How do I know this? I have conducted informal polls on as many as several women to confirm this theory. Men, on the other hand, will wipe themselves until they think they are clean enough. Often times this decision is based on the color underwear they are wearing at the time. For example, less wiping is required if you are wearing black underwear. It all comes out in the wash anyway. That's where they got the name for Shout, the laundry stain remover. Some poor wife was doing laundry and found serious skid marks in her hubby's undies and began shouting. It's a little known fact. We are just raised differently, vive la difference!

Fuzzy Limes

As a responsible parent, one must encourage the intake of fruit in our children. The Girl was looking for a snack the other day and I steered her towards fruit, as she did not consume enough dinner to warrant sweets. The Girl: Dad, what kind of knife should I use to peel Kiwi? Me: A sharp kind, why? We don't have Kiwi. The Girl: Yes we do, look. And she showed me. It was a plastic bag containing three moldy fuzzy limes. Me: Those aren't Kiwi, those are fuzzy limes and you can't eat them. Any parent knows you have to tell the child they can't eat rotten food. Most children either don't care or are just dumb enough to do it anyway. She ate a black bannana instead.

Happy effing new year

Well, we bid 2007 a fond farewell and welcome in 2008. In 2007, the Wife and I turned 40 and travelled internationally (Mexico) for the first time. Canada desn't really count as international travel because its like America lite. This New Years Eve, the Wife and kids were in Atlanta with her brother and family, I had to fly home early for work. After some Tger Woods on PS2, I was in bed by 11 - real party animal. Here are my resolutions for this year: 1. Write more often, daily if possible 2. Swear less, especially in front of the kids. 3. Exercise more. 4. Have a positive attitude. At this point, I've broken all of those damn resolutions. Screw it, pass me a beer so I can sit on the couch and become part of the cushions. Wake me up in Spring. Happy effing new year.

Pirate surgery

Over the holidays, we watched the Grinch movie with Jim Carey. In there, he mentioned gizzards, and this came up over dinner one night... The Boy: Remember that part when the Grinch said "Who wants the gizzard?" The Girl: Yea, that was funny. Mom, is that what you had removed? (The Wife had her gall bladder removed last year). We all cracked up except the Girl who had no idea why we were laughing. This reminded me of those old pirate movies where they threatened to cut out thier victims' gizzards. Come to think of it, her doctor did have an eye patch.