Cold Snap

There's a cold snap headed for the Midwest this weekend, by cracky! Does anybody know WHY it's called a Cold Snap? Because it gets soooo cold that things begin to snap off. Things like tree branches, icicles, fingers, ears, you get the point. It's so cold the dogs are peeing ice cubes. It's so cold I saw a bird frozen in mid-air. It's so cold there's a herd of penguins on our pond (do penguins travel in herds?). What happened to global warming? How come the glaciers are melting but my garage door is frozen shut? I think I'm gonna buy a case of Aqua Net hairspray and deplete more of the Ozone layer. My fingers are frozen to the keyboardddddddd.