Insanity Junction

The Girl entertains

2010-03-07T09:44:00.002-05:00

Lately, the Girl has entertained us with her funny views on life. One incident...
The Girl: Hey, what does udaliddy mean?
The Wife: Udaliddy, where did you see that?
The Girl: That sign back there. It said Udaliddy work ahaed.
The Wife: (laughing) No sweetie, that utility work ahead.

She has also been very sharp-witted with her brother. He tries his best to burn her with cutting remarks, puns, and jokes. Lately however, she has been getting the best of him, causing him to grunt and walk away frustrated. You can't verbally joust with a female and expect to win.

Three times the dings

2009-10-27T07:23:00.002-05:00

My daughter, God bless her, is all about conservation. Conserving her own energy, she is a lazy weasel. In band class, she chose to play the triangle for the band concert. We asked her why...
The Girl: I really like it, in the whole song, I only have to ding the triangle 8 times, how easy is that?
Me: You mean to tell me, that I have to sit through an hour or more of songs, and you only have 8 dings?
The Girl: Yeah, that's about it.
Me: How about this, I'll let you hit the triangle 24 times in the living room, if I don't have to go to your concert. That's three times the dings.
At this pont the Wife and the Boy chimed in agreeing with me. Unfortunately, the sheer number of dings is not that important and we are going to the concert.

The female psyche

2009-09-29T10:09:00.002-05:00

Last week I chaperoned my first school dance for the Girl. It was uneventful and I did not have to threaten violence to any middle school boys. However, the Girl's friend was part of the sudent council and helped set up and clean up for the dance. The Wife and I asked her how she got involved with the student council. She replied that the school sent around a flyer on pink paper and asked for those interested to sign up.
Me to the Girl: Did you see this paper?
The Girl: The pink paper? Yea I saw it. It sounded fun but then I noticed they wanted you to write an essay about why you were interested in student council, so I said forget it. I'm not writing essays.

And there you have it, a brief glimpse into the mind of a 12 year old girl, my 12 year old girl. She will do almost anything, as long as she doesn't actually have to do anything.

Hazy memories

2009-09-09T09:12:00.002-05:00

This past holiday weekend, the Family and I went to visit my brother and his family 7 hours drive away. We took Grandma with us for the ride and an extra driver. One night we were discussing our college days. My mom beleived that one of my college dorm roommates was gay and liked me. I admit he was eccentric and unusual, but not gay. She never mentioned it to me until this weekend, but she was worried about me.
I really don't understand why she was worried. I was 20 yrs old, living 30 miles from home, had no car, living with 25,000 strangers on a college campus full of drugs and alcohol (and gay roommates), with no friends, and was legally blind. What could possibly go wrong?

New Cougar

2009-08-30T08:21:00.002-05:00

The Wife and I were discussing a party we were invited to. The party host is a bit younger that us (25 yrs old) and the Boy put in his two cents worth.
The Boy: Do you really think you should go to a college party? Can you hang with those younger people? I don't think so mom.
The Wife: Its not technically a college party, and yes I can hang.
Me: I'm not sure I want to go, will I know anybody there?
The Wife: Yes you will. Don't go, I'll go and be a Cougar, meow (making cat noises and claws with her hands).
Our daughter arrives just in time for the Cougar remark and kitty performance. I wish I could describe the face she made upon hearing and seeing this. It was the same kind of face she makes when we put lima beans on her dinner plate.

Tongue tied

2009-08-30T08:01:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the Wife mispronounces words, causing lots of laughter at our house. Here are 2 recent examples:
"I saw some really nice wood floors advertised on TV the other day from Liquid Lumberdators (Lumber Liquidators)."
"I took your daughter shopping at Arrow Stoppel (Aeropostiale) today"

I really can't fault her for the second one, I have trouble knowing how to say that one myself. I decided to wear my new Arrow Stoppel shirt and go shopping at Liquid Lumberdators.

Brotherly love

2009-08-11T08:53:00.003-05:00

I had been cleaning out our spare room for guests when I stumbled on some of the Girl's notebooks. I decided to look thru them to see if they could be kept or were full and should be thrown away. Here is what I found written in one notebook, each entry written so large as to take up an entire page;
Page 1: [My brother] is a fat lard
Page 2: [My brother] is fat
Page 3: [My brother] is a lard

Must have been one of those days, when the Boy was pushing his luck and his sister's buttons.

Doggie IQ test

2009-08-04T09:59:00.003-05:00

I took the Girl to the library yesterday to get some books for summer reading. One of the books she selected was How smart is your dog? The book details some types of ways to test your dog's intelligence. The Girl administered these tests to our labradoodle, and I am sorry to report she did not fair well. I'm not saying the dog is dumb, but if brains were trains hers would take a week to go from Chicago to Detroit.

Pullet?

2009-08-04T09:50:00.002-05:00

It was time for our labradoodle to get her face and beard trimmed. We love our groomer, great lady and typically does a great job. I think we caught her on a busy day and she was overwhelmed when I went to get the dog.

When we got her home, something looked askew. Upon closer observation, it appears that my labradoodle has a mullet - business up front and party out back. It looks hilarious and she doesn't seem to mind. There are sub-types of mullets that some of you may not be aware of. For example the skullet is when a man is balding on top but grows it long in the back. A femullet is when a woman has one - ala Joan Jett in the 80's. I am calling this one a Pullett - a puppy mullet. I wonder if the mullett will ever come back in style?

Break out the Geritol

2009-07-28T19:51:00.003-05:00

Wanna feel old? Well, no you probably don't actually. No one really wants to feel old, but it happens. Here is something that is making me feel old - the Boy has his driver's permit. At the risk of sounding like a geezer - I used to change his poopy diapers. Oh crap, I sounded like a geezer just then. Hold on, I feel some more coming on...
Last time I saw you, you were knee-high to a grasshopper.
I remember when you could buy a malted milk shake at Kresge's.
Minimum wage used to be $2.00/hour.
Kids these days just don't understand the value of hard work.
SLAP!
Whew, thank you for slapping me and bringing me to my senses. I was getting ready to put on black socks and bermuda shorts and go mow the lawn. That was a close one.

Get to the Point

2009-07-24T09:30:00.002-05:00

Just returned from a family trip to Cedar Point - America's roller coast, ride on! We must have heard that catch phrase 8 bazillion times yesterday. The Wife and kids (& kid's friends) had a blast despite the intermittent rain showers.

Here are a few observations I made during my people watching;
Some people apparently do not own mirrors - how could you leave the house wearing that outfit thats 20 years out of date and 3 sizes too small, lady.
America has a weight problem. Not just a little weight problem - oops I ate too much at dinner tonight. But, Wow I overate at every meal since I was 10 years old. Pass the twinkies and shut up skinny man.
Americans love to be scared, and they will pay lots of money for it.
Muffin tops are not sexy, pull your shirt down. This goes for men too!

Clothes horse

2009-05-27T17:45:00.002-05:00

The girl tells me that she needs more shorts - she just doesn't have enough. We have just got a bunch of clothes from various friends so I go and look in her closet. I counted 13 pairs of shorts, NOT including her soccer shorts or her skorts or her capri's.

Mom: I am not buying any more summer clothes for you. there are plenty here.

Girl: What? some of these are yuck, I need more denim shorts. ( huffy breath)

Mom: You clearly need a job to support your clothes habit.

Girl: I am eleven! Hello! I can't get a job!

Mom: Well you better find something I can't afford you.

Girl: I am not getting a stupid job so meh!

Meh, I agree. But maybe she can sweet talk one of her relatives to take her shopping. (Grandma!)

Laid on

2009-05-27T12:27:00.002-05:00

I am employed again, but only part time. It is very close to home and I am spending more time with the kiddies. I am planning on spending much of the summer with them as well. Is laid-on the opposite of laid-off?

In the center ring...

2009-05-15T09:05:00.002-05:00

Every year, the school has a trade fair, where kids make stuff and trade it for others kids stuff. One of the Girl's friends was over talking about making something for the trade fair before school. I knew this project was too time consuming to complete before school, as I had done this w/both kids already. I suggested that she work on it w/her parents after school one day.
Her response: I can't because I have llama training on Monday, dance on Tuesday, voive lessons on Wednesday, violin on Thursday, and girl scouts on Friday.
Whoa, back this truck up - llama training?! I simply had to know more.
Me: I'm sorry, did you say llama training?
Friend: Yes.
The Girl: Sweet! I want to come.
Me: What do you train llamas to do? (trying hard not to laugh as this young girl seemed very serious about her llama training)
Friend: We train them to come when called, and do tricks and stuff.
The Girl: Do you train them to jump over stuff?
Friend: Yes, we can do that. (again very serious)
The Girl: Awesome!

With that, I sent the two young students off to school. I couldn't help but try to picture this llama training academy in my head. Cue circus music and spotlight on man in top hat and jodhpurs with high black boots.
"And in the center ring, jumping through three flaming hoops, Lester the llama!" I had a smile on my face the rest of the day. Jump Lester, jump!!

Travelin' man

2009-04-30T17:12:00.002-05:00

I recently travelled thru some states south of the mason dixon line and encountered three good ole boys. They were sitting at a bar for lunch, shooting the breeze. Here is a brief snippet of their conversation;
Do you know Skeeter Wilson?
Skeeter that used to work for the railroad?
Yeah, he was my cousin.
Do you know Jim McElroy?
Jimbo that used to get drunk and walk naked thru town?
Yeah, he was my uncle's cousin.

And so it went for nearly an hour as I sat and listened. I did learn something from these musings; Colonel Sanders (of KFC fame) owned all the kitchen equipment. If he didn't like how you were running the business or cooking the chicken, he would arrive unannounced and take back all the equipment. Oh, he also stole the secret recipe for chicken batter from Jimbo's grandma. He's still a little bitter about it. Consider yourself learnt.

Spring fling

2009-04-15T13:22:00.002-05:00

My bro-in-law and 2 youngest kids spent a week with us for spring break (I remember when spring break meant togas and beer, lots of beer). We had a blast and laughed our butts off. One of the funniest moments was when my nephew was licking his arm during a tea party. My bro-in-law had to tell him to stop licking himself, I think I peed just a little I laughed so much.
Another funny moment came one night at dinner. The Girl was talking about her difficulty at Target (see price crew diaries for more info) and her cousin advised her not to get a job involving math. The Wife suggested she work for AIG with her lack of math skills. The Girl was pleased to know that only being able to estimate money could lead to a career.

Jobless

2009-04-15T13:16:00.002-05:00

I was laid off last week. The only time the word laid isn't a good thing. On the bright side, I am able to spend more time with the kids and I did qualify for unemployment. Stay tuned for further updates on my misadventures in jobless loser land.

Got Wind?

2009-04-15T13:09:00.002-05:00

Took the family to Chicago for a long weekend trip. Had a great time - saw Blue Man group, Shadd aquarium, Field museum, and the John Hancock observatory. But, by far, the best part was the Lego store! I am a lego nerd from day one.
Inside the lego store, I was considering the purchase of Darth Vader's TIE fighter, but lamented to the wife that it just wouldn't be the same without Luke Skywalker's X wing. She walked away and returned a few minutes later telling me she found me some help (not that kind of help, a store clerk). Now I am embarassed as I feel like a huge nerd. This store clerk not only shows me the X wing but also tells me that he ordered several for himself recently. This guy is a bigger nerd than me, how cool is that!? Nerds unite, and shop at the lego store in Chicago.

Spring break 09

2009-04-12T15:20:00.001-05:00

Please see Price Crew diaries for April 9 for Price-Gray antics, spring break week.

People are stupid

2009-03-08T17:05:00.002-05:00

Recently, I had to take the Girl to her orthodontist appt. As we climbed the stairs, we noticed a faint odor. As we reached the second floor landing, the faint odor became a distinct smell. When I opened the office door, the stench smacked me in the face - soiled diaper! As a father, I easily recognize this smell and have feared the contents.

I sat down and tried to distract my mind from the stench by reading a magazine. I then heard a whining sound in front of me. This did not sound like a child, so I investigated. In the next row over, a woman was sitting with her back to me, holding a puppy. She was telling her toddler to hush the dog, as it continuously whined. Who brings a dog to the orthodontist!?

Finally, a nurse/hygienist entered and remarked about the soiled diaper. The woman stated the toddler soiled herself on the way to the appt, but mom just hadn't changed her yet. How nice, sharing that smell with the rest of the patrons in the waiting room. When the nurse suggested she use a changing room in the office, the woman took the toddler and dog to the car to change the diaper full of nuclear waste.

Yay! An end to my misery was at hand. To my dismay, this woman returned with the toddler (sans poopy diaper) and the dog. This behavior might be acceptable in Hollywood (the land of fruits and nuts) but not here in the Midwest. Don't get me wrong, I am a dog lover. I have two myself. But, your dog is not as cute or special as mine, so leave it at home where it will happily chew on your barcalounger until you return.

Bunny patrol

2009-03-05T18:34:00.002-05:00

The dog, heretofore referred to as Lulu, is the biggest scaredy-cat in the canine world. Seriously, other dogs make fun of her. She is 65 lbs and waits for our other dog (15 lbs of ankle biting terror) to go potty when it's dark.
Lulu likes to sit halfway up the front stairs and look out the front windows, scouting for evil bunnies. When she sees one, she barks ferociously and demands to be let out to rid our property of this menace. There is no way evil bunnies will successfully launch a sneak attack on us. I have never felt safer.
Of course, if an actual intruder presented himself, Lulu is beyond useless. My brother-in-law arrived for a visit over the holidays and she pooped on the living room floor when he walked in. Maybe the smell will ward off criminals.

NOT Horny

2009-03-01T09:44:00.004-05:00

Anyone who knows me well, understands that I loathe grocery shopping. When I do go, I try to stock up for several weeks at a time necessitating fewer trips. It does mean a longer time in the store.

Yesterday, I had to go to Meijers. I have not done any real shopping in 3-4 weeks. So this was to be a big trip. I get in the store and start the drudgery- trying to avoid all the old people and families (why on earth does every member of the family need to shop???). Anyways, I kept hearing this horn blow -like the kind that is handed out at Birthday parties. For 45 minutes if feels like this horn is following me. At one point, I see this lady pushing her cart and her 5-6 year old just blowing this horn. I had envisions of me taking the horn away and yelling at the lady.

I tried to keep going after that but it felt like this horn was everywhere. My visions turned to punching this lady so I decided to leave the store- shop at another time. I went to the opposite side store to check out, but still I hear this horn. I look over and see another child just blowing away. My nerves are shot at this point and I complain to the checkout lady. The checkout lady then admits that there is a Dr Seuss celebration and they are actually handing these horns out to kids. At this point I asked for the manager. When I was done I almost felt bad for said manager but I could think past the still blazing horns!!!!!!

Please pray

2009-02-12T21:16:00.001-05:00

Please pray for spring. You see I do not think the boy is going to live until it gets here and I can send him outside to run off his excess energy.

Awesome things I saw

2009-02-12T21:07:00.002-05:00

I hate to grocery shop. There is always too many people and it is too much work. We should all be toothpicks with the amount of work it is. Of course I compound the work by only going every two weeks because I hate it, but I digress. The girl has started shopping with me mostly because she like the free samples. She thinks it is like Halloween with handouts. Tonight she went to the Grocery store with me and I rather enjoy her going. She makes me giggle. No free Samples on a Thursday night so so decided to write down all the cool things she saw.
Here is her list:
Awesome things I saw at the gas station:
Sherrif
Limmozine
corn dog

Awesome thing I saw in the parking lot:
Clown on cart

Awesome thing I saw in the store:
Cheeze
fried chicken
live lobster
pepperoni
polish ham
mini corn dog
hot pockets
donouts

I think there is a theme here, and that she gets her spelling from her dad.... he he

Gray Update

2009-02-12T21:01:00.003-05:00

HI everyone I know it has been a while since we have posted, but time just flies. We have been working on our upstairs bathroom for the past month. Well, OK not last weekend, when I flew to GA and surprised the sis-in-law, (see price crew blog) but for the rest of the month that is all we have done. We now have new tub and surround and a new floor. Still need to finish the trim. We will work on the vanity next. It is a time consuming project, but it looks beautiful. Will keep you informed and show pictures when the trim is finished and I figure out how to download the new camera.

Wii Fit chronicles #1

2008-12-31T15:09:00.002-05:00

We got a Wii fit after xmas. (sent the hubby at 8am on Sunday- he was not happy). Anyways, we got to play around with it and set it up the other day.
First, it asks your age and height. It then weighs you and gives you your BMI. Well of course, mine is a hair bit over the standard. Then my Mii (my Wii person) made a noise and the whole body plumped out. My jaw dropped. The boy started laughing hysterically. It told me I was overweight and had some work to do.

Then, the "game" takes you through a balance exercise that will give you your Wii fit age. Well, I have bum knee and the balance could be better. However, nothing prepared me for my wii fit age of 64. At this point the boy was howling with laughter which drew the attention of everyone else including the neighbor girl. They were all laughing at me and calling me an overweight grandma.

So, I made them all do this exercise. The hubby had a Wii fit age of 47, not bad a few years over his actual age. The girl was 24 more than double her own age. The boy was 14 his actual age. He did a victory celebration.

So I guess I have some work to do. The game is actually fun and a good more laughter came from trying to do some of the workout games. Apparently, downhill skiing is not my forte.

My brothers family also got a Wii and Wii fit. But they have been too busy with Shaun White snowboarding to find out their Wii fit age. I await with baited breathe...

An open letter to Santa

2008-12-31T14:58:00.002-05:00

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. I am a bit behind in this post, but think you will find it enjoyable anyway.

The kids received letters from Santa. The boy's came a day before the girl's and she was not happy about the matter. Yes, she knows about Santa, but still wants to believe in the magic of Christmas. Below is her letter that she wrote, but did not mail.

Dear Santa,

You sent my brother a letter but not me... WHY NOT?!?!?! That is why I am writing to you. Since you have not sent me a letter you have made me very disgruntled. If I do not get what I want for Christmas ( a moshi) then I shall not forgive you unless I get something I want (an IPod). Even though I do not trust you with the mechanical stuff. No offence.
PS. When my brother read the first sentence of your letter "have you been a good boy this year?" He said NO!!!

From, the girl

Well, Santa could not find a suitable Moshi which is a special pillow that was made popular a few years back. But the girl did get an orange IPod.

Strip Ping Pong

2008-12-16T19:55:00.003-05:00

The kids have set up an old ping pong table in the basement. I was trouncing Potland when he suggested that the looser take off their shirt. Well I won, and I was whooping about winning and him having to take off his top when the girl came running downstairs. At this point, she could only see me.

Girl: What are you yelling about?

Me: Well, we were playing strip.... never mind.

Girl: What?

She walks around the corner to see Potland with shirt half off. Her eyes get big and she states :That is IT!! You two are done! You can not play anymore ping pong until you learn how to play properly!

She took all the balls and paddles and went upstairs shutting off the lights and leaving us in the dark giggling hysterically.

Francheso?

2008-12-13T16:10:00.002-05:00

This morning, the following conversation took place...
Me: Good morning son.
The Boy: Morning. Make me some breakfast, Francheso. Chop chop!
Clearly, this Boy has lost his senses. He gets that from his mother.

Oh Baloney

2008-12-13T16:01:00.002-05:00

The Wife, God bless her, tried something new this week for lunches. She bought bologna and forced me to feed it to my poor hapless children. I snuck it into their lunches without warning. The only caveat was that she was to take the full responsibility for it, not me.

Later that night, both children voiced their extreme displeasure with bologna. The Boy only took one bite before discarding the sandwich. The Girl at first believed it was peanut butter, but also threw the sandwich away when she realized she'd been duped.

I told them I sent extra stuff in their lunches so they could trade for better stuff just in case.
The Boy: Oh yeah, would you like to trade me this disgusting baloney sandwich with a bite out of it for your delicious pizza and french fries?

The vote was unanimous; no more bologna, sorry Oscar Mayer. I then did a victory dance to celebrate my lunchtime dominance.

Looser tooth fairy

2008-12-08T18:25:00.002-05:00

The tooth fairy often forgets to make stops at our home. Once the FBI even had to get involved. Last night the girl yanked the last tooth possible out of her mouth. (It was kinda sad as unless their is a bar fight or a horrible accident the tooth fairy should not be visiting again.) However, the tooth fairy was very tired last night and forgot to come to visit.

The girl walks downstairs this am and states to the husband: "The tooth fairy did not come last night. Perhaps, she will come while I am at school today. " She sets down her tooth and walks away.

I talked to my sis-in law today and apparently the tooth fairy is 4 payments behind to my nephew. Man, that tooth fairy is a slacker.

My hubby is the new Ty!

2008-11-30T16:04:00.003-05:00

The tub in the kids bathroom has been leaking and needed to be replaced. It would be a big project due to the 30 year old tile that surrounded the tub. No one in our home was looking forward to it and we put it off for so long that it is embarrassing to admit. With my brother and his family coming to town we had motivation and got to work.

It was a long and time consuming project and unfortunately did not get completed before Georgians came to town, but it is completed today. I am very proud of the work we accomplished but since I did not take a class in tiling I have to give the hubby all the credit.

GOOD JOB Potland!

Does it snow in Texas?

2008-11-30T15:53:00.004-05:00

My brother and his family were here for a great visit over turkey day. My Niece recently got her permit and I took her out driving. We live in a semi rural area and there can be animals out at dusk. We passed 3 deer on a dirt road but was slightly surprised when another animal ran out on a busier paved road.

Niece: What's that? An armadillo?

Son: Yeah, they have migrated to the snow belt, we see them all the time.

Me (laughing): we call them possums here.

Niece slightly indignant: Well, I don't know, I mean that's what I meant.

Miss Communication

2008-10-04T15:01:00.002-05:00

The Boy, laughing, recently reported this conversation between he and the Wife:
The Boy: Mom, did you bring my paraphernalia? (referring to soccer gear)
The Wife: What?! Condoms, what do you need condoms for?!
The Boy: No mom, my soccer stuff. Paraphernalia means gear, what did you think it meant?

I think it's clear what she thought it meant, don't you? The Wife apparently had her mind in the gutter, that is why I love her so much.

What the...?

2008-09-03T18:47:00.002-05:00

Today, my baby bear went off to high school. Can someone tell me how this happened?
Just yeterday...
I changed his diapers
I gave him his first bath
He peed on the dining room table
He kept me up all night with colic
We went to preschool
I coached his first soccer game
He went to kindergarten
He went to middle school
He started wearing deodorant (actually we are still working on this one)

Time stops for no one. Anyone with little children, enjoy every second because you will never get it back.

New game show

2008-08-10T15:15:00.002-05:00

Here's an idea for a new game show , it's called Shoulda Woulda Coulda. It goes something like this...
Host: No I'm sorry, pork is NOT the capital of Kentucky. You shoulda said Lexington, you woulda got the answer right, and you coulda won $10,000. Instead,, my lovely assistant Steve will fill your underpants with sausages and place you in a fenced yard with 10 hungry pitbulls. Better luck next time. Steve, who's our next contestant?
I wonder how much liability insurance I will need.

Geography trouble

2008-08-10T15:02:00.002-05:00

During dinner one evening, I was commenting that I would like to learn Spanish for our next trip to Mexico.
The Girl: Why don't you just move there? All you have to do is go to Florida and cross the border.
Me: Florida?
The Girl: OK, Alabama, no,Oklahoma then?
She won't be winning any geography bees anytime soon.

Super Hilarious

2008-08-05T18:08:00.002-05:00

I believe Youtube to be one of the greatest benefits to arise from the Internet, thank you Al Gore for inventing it (chortle chortle). Any fan of superheroes MUST check this out - search on marvel dc parody on Youtube. These are parodies of the mac and pc commercials and they are hysterical. This guy has way too much time on his hands. Viva la Youtube!

Egg-splosion!

2008-08-05T18:01:00.002-05:00

Saturday morning, The Girl was cooking 2 fried eggs for The Wife. This is not one of my specialities, but the Girl seems to know what she is doing. I thought the eggs were done cooking and said so. Here was the response:
The Girl: Dad, trust me, I know what I am doing (shaking a spatula in my face).
Just as she turned back to tend to the eggs, one of the yolks exploded, sending egg parts all over the kitchen including her hair. I've heard of putting mayonaise in your hair...

Spelling champ

2008-07-20T08:53:00.002-05:00

Trying to get kids to do chores can be a chore. Yesterday, the Wife was teasing the Boy for not wanting to help her with the dishes.
The Wife: L-A-Z-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you're lucky, I mean you're ugly, no lazy. That's it lazy!
The Boy: And you wonder why I can't spell.

Blue dumplings

2008-07-20T08:39:00.002-05:00

To those of you who may not know, I am colorblind (the next person that asks "What color is this?" gets a head slap). Every so often, the kids try to get one over on their dad using colors. Last week, the Boy was making Sunday night dinner and decided to put blue food coloring in the dumplings. I noticed they looked different but didn't really pay much attention. Then I noticed everyone staring at me with smirks on their faces.
The Boy: Dad, how are your dumplings?
Me: OK, what did you do to them?
The Wife: He made them blue.

Everyone cracks up laughing, the jokes on poor old color blind dad. Paybacks are h*ll, when you least expect it, expect it.

School's out!

2008-06-14T06:55:00.002-05:00

Finally, we see the end of the school year. This makes me happy because; I do not have to make any more lunches, and I am not trying to pass 5th or 8th grades any more. The complexity and depth of today's homework assignments astounds me sometimes. College homework wasn't this difficult. You will all be happy to know The Wife and I have passed 5th and 8th grades for the seond time. What do we get for our efforts - $5 for every A, a pat on the back, - no. Just a sigh of relief and 8 weeks off until it starts again. Does anyone know where I can find a tutor for Calc?

It's a Twister!

2008-06-08T18:28:00.002-05:00

The Boy went to a semi local amusement park with his school on Friday, returning late that evening. He then reffed for soccer the entire next day, resulting in one wiped-out boy. The Wife, the Girl and I went to a friend's home for euchre around 7:30, leaving the Boy at home to go to bed at a decent hour. He promised he would not stay up late as we were leaving. The following conversation occurred via phone at 10:30 that same evening:
Me - Hello?
Boy - Hi dad, there's a tornado warning on right now.
Me - For our county, are you sure? (it wasn't even raining)
Boy - Yes, I think so.
Me - How do you know this information?
Boy - I saw it on TV, they just announced it.
Me - Thank you for letting me know, now go to bed. You should have been in bed hours ago.
Boy - But what about the tornado?
Me - I'll call you if anything happens, now go to bed.

He told me the next day that he did go to bed, 30 minutes later. No tornado materialized and all are safe, even the very tired future weatherman.

Discovery Channel: I Love the World

2008-06-05T18:06:00.001-05:00

The kids have been singing this commercial from discovery channel lately. It is rather catchy.....

End of School Blues

2008-05-10T08:17:00.002-05:00

Son to mom: I need $60 for Cedar Point.
I need $10 for DIA trip.
I need $1 for Cinco De Mayo celebration in Spanish class.
and I need money for the CF walk at school.

After thinking about this I made up my own list:
I need to be able to go out and dance and have fun without falling asleep at 1100.
I need a new car with free gas.
I need less work and more money.
I need my metabolism from when I was 20.
I need a chef, a maid, and a personal assistant. (According to the husband someone to swat cookies from my hands.)
and I need Ty Pennington to do some work at my house without a shirt on.

And now back to reality...
I will fall asleep on the way home from the club at 9:30
I will drive home from the club in my way old mini van
I work more for less money
I drink lite beer and screw the metabolism
I cook, clean and keep the family on track
I beg my husband to do anything and keep his shirt on.
Sounds like fun

Snort Patrol

2008-05-06T19:25:00.002-05:00

The Girl has her own way of trying to confound and confuse me. She talks excessively without actually saying much. She removed a red sheet of paper from her backpack and informed me I had to sign it. When I asked what it was and why I had to sign it, I received a dissertation longer than the Gettysburg address. Halfway through it, I was mentally fading away. This technique actually works when employed properly.

However, much to the Girl's chagrin, I am a morning person and have my wits about me (along with some coffee) in the morning. I had her stop and just give the facts ma'am. Here is the story, reader's digest version: She was in the hallway at school lining up to go somewhere and began snorting loudly, which she proudly demonstrated for me. Her teacher gave her a focus sheet for being loud and disruptive in the hallway, the nerve of that woman. A focus sheet is the precursor to detention, so this is a serious matter. I found out that she was not the only one snorting, several of her friends were snorting along in a chorus of porcine noises. I signed the sheet and she went on her merry way. I just hope she doesn't become known as the freaky girl who snorts.

Question of the day

2008-04-29T18:48:00.002-05:00

This question came up at lunch today and I thought I would share:
What CD, tape 8 track or album are you most ashamed to admit owning?
Some of the responses around the table; Britney Spears and Milli Vanilli. My response - Stryper. For those too young or uncool to know this band, they were Christian Heavy Metal from the Hair Band 1980's and wore all black and yellow. Apparently there is a passage in the Bible that reads "By his stripes we are healed." Thus the name, it doesn't explain the bumble bee outfits and 2 tons of Aquanet hairspray though.

Not so fresh squeezed

2008-03-15T17:46:00.002-05:00

The Girl is obsessed with the OJ commercial where the straw is in the orange. She has made several attempts as of late to replicate this at home. Today, she brought me a small glass with OJ and a straw in it.
Girl: Dad, would you like to try my fresh-squeezed Tropicana?
Me: Sure honey. Hey, that's actually pretty good.
It was good, I wasn't lying.
Girl: I squeezed until I saw a black spot in the orange.
Me: I wish you would have told me that before I drank it.

Lovely, juice from an orange with black spots. I should have known better, this is the same girl with fuzzy limes a few months ago.

Light the Torches!

2008-03-14T14:57:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week, the Girl was doing homework. I decided to review the completed work cause sometimes she gets a little lazy and rushes thru just to get done. Here is what I found...
Homework entitled; Our Core Democratic Values - Civic Virtue in Action (emphasis added)
The assignment was to read the situations and write a response in a complete sentence. Here we go.
Situation 3. People vote on whether or not to build a community center without being told they will have to pay extra taxes to build the community center.

And the Girl's response:
I think people would get mad and burn down houses. (Please note that I added emphasis on the words virtue and values, as they are completely opposite of burning down houses)

In my head, I picture a man reading the newspaper in his lazy boy chair. "Oh look, the Community Center is nearly done, how nice for our town! Wait a minute, what's this? We have to pay extra taxes for the confounded thing!? Honey, where is my torch? I have had ENOUGH!"

I must say that I am a little sad we have gotten away from the core values of torching houses when angered by random events. Where have all our virtues gone?

Correction

2008-02-27T20:05:00.002-05:00

Before any of you pounce on me for getting how many years I have been married wrong, don't. I have been married 15 years, but lost sight of the details in the midst of the telling of the story. Please submit your criticism to my lawyers - Dewey, Cheatum & Howe.
Thank You,
The MGMT

Queen of Curbs

2008-02-27T19:54:00.002-05:00

My wife, God love her, has a propensity for running over and running into things with cars. Last week, we were out running errands. I had to go into one stop quickly so the family remained in the car. When I returned, all were laughing and being shushed by the Wife. My children tried to tell me what had happened, but the Wife bribed them with McDonald's - hush McMoney. It didn't take me long to figure out that the Wife ran over a curb circling the parking lot (in MY car) and then paid off the children with fast food.
New front tire - $85.00
Front end alignment - $150.00
New ball joints - $300.00
14 years of wedded bliss by not yelling about running into curbs - Priceless

The Hook

2008-02-15T15:58:00.002-05:00

In my bathroom, my towel hangs on a plastic hook over the closet door, the kind you buy for 2.99 at Target or where ever. The Girl was using our shower (don't get me started on why) and decided to use my towel to dry off with. Being of diminuitive size, she had some difficulty getting the towel off the hook. She decided to fling the towel off the hook, which sent the hook flying through the air. It ultimately landed in the toilet, where she had done #2 and not flushed. She reached in with a plastic bag to retrieve the hook and set it on the bathroom counter, saying nothing.

Here is where I enter the picture. I find the hook on the counter and replace on the closet door and put my towel on it. Several days pass before The Girl reveals this little jewel of information to the rest of the family at the dinner table. Apparently I have been drying my face on this feces-infested hook for days - lovely. The Wife made The Girl clean it with bleach, but that cannot remove the mental image of the hook floating in the comode next to yesterday's meatloaf.

Blonde in training

2008-02-06T19:38:00.000-05:00

The girl, bless her soul, says some of the funniest things. Here are two examples:

The Girl: I'm not asking for any more silky clothes.
Me: Why not?
The Girl: They're made out of silk worms, gross.

The Girl: (Holding a coupon for a laundromat) Check this out, I've got a coupon for a coin laundry. I'm going there to get some cool coins.
Me: They don't wash coins at a coin laundry. You use coins to pay for washing clothes.
The Girl: Yeah right dad. It says right here Coin Laundry, see.

Sometimes I think she's a blonde in training.

Cold Snap

2008-01-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

There's a cold snap headed for the Midwest this weekend, by cracky! Does anybody know WHY it's called a Cold Snap? Because it gets soooo cold that things begin to snap off. Things like tree branches, icicles, fingers, ears, you get the point. It's so cold the dogs are peeing ice cubes. It's so cold I saw a bird frozen in mid-air. It's so cold there's a herd of penguins on our pond (do penguins travel in herds?). What happened to global warming? How come the glaciers are melting but my garage door is frozen shut? I think I'm gonna buy a case of Aqua Net hairspray and deplete more of the Ozone layer. My fingers are frozen to the keyboardddddddd.

Mars &Venus

2008-01-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

OK folks, here is a rare glimpse into the male psyche, in comparison to the female psyche.
Women continue wiping themselves after Number 2 until they are clean. How do I know this? I have conducted informal polls on as many as several women to confirm this theory. Men, on the other hand, will wipe themselves until they think they are clean enough. Often times this decision is based on the color underwear they are wearing at the time. For example, less wiping is required if you are wearing black underwear. It all comes out in the wash anyway. That's where they got the name for Shout, the laundry stain remover. Some poor wife was doing laundry and found serious skid marks in her hubby's undies and began shouting. It's a little known fact. We are just raised differently, vive la difference!

Fuzzy Limes

2008-01-13T17:52:00.000-05:00

As a responsible parent, one must encourage the intake of fruit in our children. The Girl was looking for a snack the other day and I steered her towards fruit, as she did not consume enough dinner to warrant sweets.
The Girl: Dad, what kind of knife should I use to peel Kiwi?
Me: A sharp kind, why? We don't have Kiwi.
The Girl: Yes we do, look.
And she showed me. It was a plastic bag containing three moldy fuzzy limes.
Me: Those aren't Kiwi, those are fuzzy limes and you can't eat them.
Any parent knows you have to tell the child they can't eat rotten food. Most children either don't care or are just dumb enough to do it anyway. She ate a black bannana instead.

Happy effing new year

2008-01-11T14:42:00.000-05:00

Well, we bid 2007 a fond farewell and welcome in 2008. In 2007, the Wife and I turned 40 and travelled internationally (Mexico) for the first time. Canada desn't really count as international travel because its like America lite. This New Years Eve, the Wife and kids were in Atlanta with her brother and family, I had to fly home early for work. After some Tger Woods on PS2, I was in bed by 11 - real party animal. Here are my resolutions for this year:
1. Write more often, daily if possible
2. Swear less, especially in front of the kids.
3. Exercise more.
4. Have a positive attitude.

At this point, I've broken all of those damn resolutions. Screw it, pass me a beer so I can sit on the couch and become part of the cushions. Wake me up in Spring. Happy effing new year.

Pirate surgery

2008-01-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

Over the holidays, we watched the Grinch movie with Jim Carey. In there, he mentioned gizzards, and this came up over dinner one night...
The Boy: Remember that part when the Grinch said "Who wants the gizzard?"
The Girl: Yea, that was funny. Mom, is that what you had removed? (The Wife had her gall bladder removed last year).
We all cracked up except the Girl who had no idea why we were laughing. This reminded me of those old pirate movies where they threatened to cut out thier victims' gizzards. Come to think of it, her doctor did have an eye patch.

Doh!

2007-11-13T05:36:00.000-05:00

Grandma brought bread with her the other day on a visit. The Girl felt the need to express her feelings thusly:
Girl: This bread is so good they should make dough out of it.
This is an all A student.

Light Nazi

2007-11-13T05:26:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the Wife for stepping in during my absentia. I have recently developed a habit that is disturbing to me; I roam from room to room shutting off lights left on by the kids. Even worse, I am talking to no one in particular while I am doing this about conserving electricity, being wasteful, etc. My irritation rises when I have to go up or down stairs to do this. I have become the Light Nazi. Does anyone now of a 12 step program for this?

2007-10-28T07:56:00.000-05:00

The husband has been very busy with starting a new job, the kids soccer activities, and his honey do list. So I thought I would send a few updates.

Mom to son: Why did you get a D on that computer project?
Boy mumbles: the school frowns upon projects with violence in them, something about the inappropriateness of it...
Mom: WHAT?
Boy: I had a grenade explode off a trampoline in my project - it was very funny, but the school didn't like it -OK?

Boy: What are you prepared to hand out on Halloween?
Mom: Nothing
Boy What? You need to get on the ball! Halloween is a week away. What are you waiting for??

The girl wore a combination of stripes plaids and patterns to school the other day. She has always been known to have an altered sense of fashion, but now she is getting snippy about it.
Mom: You wore that to school today?
Girl: You wore that to work?

Failed Test

2007-10-07T17:45:00.000-05:00

I recently took a new job in a substance abuse treatment cneter. As part of the pre-hire process, I had to submit to a urine drug screen. As most of you know, if I buy a six-pack for New Years Eve, I still have five beers left by Easter.

You can imagine my surprise when the HR person informed me that I needed a letter from my physician detailing my prescribed medication and their uses. I had to push for the reason, but she told me there was "a problem" with my drug test. You fans of irony are in your glory reading this. Yes indeed, I failed the drug test for the drug treatment center. Fortunately the letter cleared up the mess and I am very happy there. If I had known I was going to be tested, I would have studied.

Praise for video games

2007-10-07T17:34:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was driving the Girl to soccer practice. I was flipping thru the radio stations and the following occurred...
Girl: Hey dad, turn that back. That's "More than a feeling", what's wrong with you. Man, you are harshing my mellow.
I could not control my laughter. The song she is referring to was released by the band Boston in 1976. How is a 10-year old familiar with this song you may be asking yourself. The video game Guitar Hero has schooled millions of young'uns on some of the finer music from their parents era. It truly warms my heart to hear my daughter singing "Smoke on the water" and my son humming "Iron Man" while doing their chores. Thank you Guitar Hero!

Aging Gracefully

2007-09-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

For some unknown reason, we were having a discussion on aging at the dinner table the other day. I was teasing the Boy about having to change our diapers, because we changed his - it only sees fair. He was not enjoying this topic, which only encouraged me. It finally ended this way...
The Boy to me: Mom will be around to change your diapers.
The Boy to the Wife: And when he dies (meaning me), I am moving to a houseboat in the Caribbean where you'll never find me.
Me: Then your mom will motor up to your houseboat and say - "Hey, come help me get this wetsuit off, its making my diaper ride up."

Needless to say, this imagery was too much for him to comprehend and the conversation ended will us all laughing hysterically.

Smelly Boy

2007-09-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

For those of you that do not have a teenaged boy, let me inform you - they stink! Today, the boy was getting ready for soccer practice and asked me for air freshener. When I asked him why, he stated the smell of his shirt nearly made him puke. He then doused himself and his soccer gear with Febreze. Unfortunately, the Febreze wore off on the way to practice and we had to roll the windows down for both our sakes. You know its bad when the skunk has offended itself.

Another blonde moment

2007-09-10T18:56:00.000-05:00

The Girl has an annoying habit of only hearing the last few words of a conversation. She then asks questions, necessitating a repeat of the entire conversation. She did this yesterday and it went like this...
Me (in response to her question): Never mind blondy.
The Girl: How many times have I told you people, I am not blonde. I'm a burnette.

This is not a misspelling, she actually said burn-ette. Thus proving she actually is blonde.

Vacation

2007-08-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

We returned from our most excellent vacation in the Outer Banks, NC. The beach was beautiful, the ocean refreshing and the company awesome. My bro-in-law has posted many hilarious snippets on his blog Price Crew Diaries.

Up to this point, we have taken a few road trips this summer. One observation I have made about myself; I despise RVs. Why do people need 60 feet long behemoths with satellite plasma TV and a hot tub? I have seen RVs pulling trailers that have trailers! Here is the bottom line; if you need that much crap to go camping, stay home! Wouldn't it be cheaper to just rent hotel rooms the rest of your life than purchase a $150,000.00 55-foot diesel pusher with three slide-outs? Note to self: get medication adjusted.

Good News, Bad News

2007-07-21T07:59:00.000-05:00

The Kids and I have said a fond farewell to the Wife, as the latest installment of Harry Potter has arrived. She does not interact, eat, or tend to her hygiene whilst reading Harry Potter. This is a 'good news bad news' situation. The good news is we will have a few days peace with no Honey Do list. The bad news is she does start to attract flies after a couple of days.

200 Doughnuts

2007-07-21T07:48:00.000-05:00

The Boy and the Girl recently spent some time with their grandparents. Grandpa challenged the Boy to a foot race. My son graciously accepted, and the trash talk began...
Grandpa: Wanna race?
The Boy: OK,
Gr: Are you sure? You know I was the fastest runner in my school.
TB: Yea, that was before you ate 200 doughnuts.
Gr: You have your father's sense of humor.

The final report was that Grandpa won the race, but he cheated. I told him that was OK, that's the only way Grandpa can win a race.

PSA

2007-07-12T19:04:00.000-05:00

This is a public service announcement. The following blog post was entered by a drunk person, a stinking drunk person. Kids, please don't blog after abusing alcohol. Blog first.

Kites

2007-07-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

I am writing for Potland who is too busy to blog as he has dishpan hands.

Me: What kind of kite do you think your kids would like for vacation.

Husband: Why are you buying them kites?

Me: To fly at the beach - what do you think they would like?

Husband: We are not buying kites from a website, we can go to Walmart and get kites 4 for 10.00.

Me: Great, so when their cousins are flying nice kites what are they going to say?

Husband: You just tell them Walmart kites or a stick.

Me: (Laughing) I am not going to tell them that, be serious!

Husband: How much are you spending on kites?

Me: 15.00

Husband: What that's 60.00!

Me: There are two of them. I am not buying you a kite. You can go to Walmart if you want one.

Husband: What? that's nice........ Fine, if you are buying kites I want to pick one out too.

Duh!

2007-05-21T18:22:00.000-05:00

This morning over breakfast, the girl was perusing the school lunch menu. She asked me if it was "May 21th," pronounced twentywunth. I found this amusing and told her she should wish her teacher a Happy May 21th. The response?
"Why would I do that? It's not like it's a holiday." At the same time, her facial expression loudly said DUH! Unfortunately, this is the sign of things to come. Thank God for margaritas.

New meanings

2007-05-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

As we move through life, we have experiences that must be cataloged and discussed. Sometimes, words that already exist are perfect descriptors for these new experiences. I had such an experience the other day. Here is an example:

Back splash. The old meaning is the part of the counter top that extends up the wall as a protective barrier for the wall. The new meaning; the tsunami that soaks your buttocks after you let go of a particularly large bowel movement. I believe that many of us have had this experience but were bereft of a word to capture the moment. I am happy to provide this service. As more experiences occur, you will be kept abreast.

Thought for the Day

2007-04-15T16:16:00.000-05:00

Here is yourr Thought for the Day:
Heavy petting has nothing to do with an over-weight dog.

Revenge on Telemarketers

2007-04-14T06:17:00.000-05:00

Last night during dinner, the boy informs us that he has been torturing telemarketers when they call. Here are a couple of examples he provided:
Boy: Hello?
TM: Hi, is your mother there?
Boy: Yes. (he hangs up)

Boy: Hello, I'd like to buy a vacuum cleaner.
TM: (long pause) Um, we don't sell vacuum cleaners.
Boy: Ok, thanks (he hangs up).

Although we did caution him not to be rude or mean, we did laugh our butts off. I just hope he doesn't answer the phone when Ed McMahon calls to tell me I've won millions.

Stupid Hair

2007-04-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

Last night, the Boy was directed to take a much needed shower. Anyone with a pre-teen boy knows they often smell as if they have rolled in a dumpster. I went to check on him and his hair was completely dry as he exited the shower. It went something like this:
Me: Son, your hair is dry. Did you wash it?
Boy: (Touching his hair in disbelief) What? Man, this stupid hair!

Yes, he actually blamed his hair for not getting washed. Maybe I can use this in my own life. Man, this stupid car is dirty again.
I can't believe my stomach is empty again, I just ate 2 days ago!
Where did all the money in my bank account go? That stupid bank account!

Axe Murderer

2007-03-22T19:02:00.000-05:00

The boy is fond of using Axe body spray deodorant after a shower, which is usually a good thing. This morning, I walked upstairs and was nearly asphyxiated by the overwhelming smell of way too much Axe. This conversation followed:
Me: Son, you are using way too much spray. Just a quick spritz under each arm is good.
Boy: No dad, the can says it's an all-over body spray, so I spray it all over.
Me: Son, I am serious. That is too much and I am gagging.
Boy: Trust me dad, I know what I'm doing.

When did I become an idiot? That is a rhetorical question people.

Mole People

2007-03-20T20:12:00.000-05:00

The other night at dinner, the Girl posed an interesting question, "What happens if a tornado and an earthquake happen at the same time?" As a parent, I just wait for these questions, oh happy day! I've had years to think up the best answers. Here is my response:
"That's easy, honey. You just wait for the ground to rip open and jump into it and the Mole People will carry you to safety." Nobody believed me. It's the FEMA plan, look it up.

Things I learned in Mexico

2007-03-13T19:19:00.000-05:00

The wife and I just got back from Mexico, what a great time we had. Many thanks to both of our mothers for watching the kids for us. Here are just of the things I learned while in Mexico:

Never pay full price for anything.
Many people selling things there are named "Cheapo Phillipo."
When you pay in advance for food and drink, you try like hell to get your money's worth.
Europeans men favor very small bathing suits, I mean seriously, I have skivvies bigger than their bathing suits!
The only women that go topless are well past their topless years.

More to come later, stay tuned.

Houston, we have a problem...

2007-02-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

The girl loves to play inside of boxes of all sizes. This morning she was playing in a box just big enough to hold her if she crossed her legs. She had the top closed and was pretending to be an astronaut. All of a sudden, she exploded out of the top of the box and proclaimed, "I just farted and it smells like sausages. Do you have an air freshener?" I wonder how NASA deals with flatulence.

Word of the day

2007-02-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

Today's word is - Cretin, promounced kree-tin. It means someone of below normal intelligence or a person suffering from idiocy. Here it is in a sentence: My brother-in-law is a cretin. Kiddies, please feel free to use this in your everyday language. The best part of using big words is this; those who know what they mean will laugh, and those who don't will pretend that they do.

Betsy Ross

2007-02-01T19:36:00.000-05:00

The Girl had to do an oral report on an historical figure; she chose Betsy Ross. When we asked her how she did, her response was, "I don't know, but I was cute."

Later, during dinner, she informed us, "I farted and it smells like cheese." We're training her for the Miss America pageant.

Word of the Day

2007-01-24T19:45:00.000-05:00

Hello kiddies, it's time for a new feature I call "Word of the Day" Every so often, I will introduce you to a new word to add to your vocabulary. Today's word is "Whiffet." A whiffet is a small, young, or unimportant person. Here is how you use it in a sentence - "My boss is a whiffet," or "Be quiet, you whiffet." Use this new word to impress your friends, insult people without them realizing it, and ge that promotion you been waiting for. Until next time - see ya!

Winter Blahs

2007-01-17T20:24:00.000-05:00

The girl did possibly the dumbest thing in her life the other day - she got her tongue stuck on the metal bars of our backyard swingset. Yes, just like in the movie Christmas Story. She has seen the movie, she knows what happens! Well, she panicked and pulled until the tongue unstuck itself. She then came running in the house bleeding and crying. It is difficult to be compassionate and caring when you are laughing.

New option for 2009

2007-01-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

We have all heard of OnStar, they can call the vehicle after the airbag has been deployed or call 911, etc. Sounds like a great idea. Well, how about this - FartStar. A sensor in the dash will detect when a nasty fart has been deployed. When the acrid air reaches 33 parts per million, the windows automatically roll down and they call the vehicle to make sure everyone is all right. This should be available by model year 2009. FartStar - saving lives one car at a time.

Penny update

2007-01-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update on Penny the Shih Tzu. Her new nickname is Naughty Nugget.

4th Grade Logic

2007-01-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

At lunch the other day, the subject of geography came up. The girl made the following assertion:
"Japan is not an island, and I should know. I'm in 4th garade you know!" How do you argue with logic like that?

Xmas thank you

2006-12-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

I would like to send out a shout-out and a BIG Xmas thank you to my sis-in-law. She sent the Boy a marshmallow shooter for Christmas. For those not in the know, it is essentially several lengths of half-inch PVC pipe glued together, used like a blow gun. The Boy and the Girl had a marshmallow war in the basement yesterday. They discovered that biting the marshmallows in half makes them stick to whatever they hit. The Boy's shirt was covered with little marshmallow stains as was our carpeting. I am having thoughts of doing something anatomically painful with that #@$%^! marshmallow shooter.

Swimmers detest marauding fish

2006-12-21T07:07:00.000-05:00

Last night the family was watching Blue Planet, actually a pretty good documentary on nature. The narrator, however, had an over-affected British accent which caught my ear. I began imitating him and amusing myself, and annoying my family. He was talking about "marauding fish," and I ran with it, concluding that "Swimmers detest marauding fish." Since my family cannot recognize comic genius, I called the relatives in the South, surely they can appreciate my particular brand of insanity.

I was correct. My sis-in-law was busy with baking five loaves of banana-nut bread and wrapping Xmas gifts for the kids' teachers (she may have been bathing youngsters too). With some urging, she flipped on the documentary and was definitely amused with my imitation of the narrator. In addition, I was 2 for 2 with amusing the kids. It sure is nice to have others to share your insanity with.

Insane family

2006-12-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

My family is insane. They are obsessed with getting a new pet. To me, a pet is something cuddly, preferrably a mammal, that will love you, and you can assert your dominance over and teach tricks. The family is focused on cold-blooded reptiles that are losers for pets, no cuddly or asserting dominance there.

The Girl wants a newt. This is my vision for the near future:
The Wife takes the Girl to buy the newt. She brings it home and gets a nasty old rock from the backyard to put in the cage. The newt gets a disease from the dirty rock and dies. Day two; another newt, but this time the Wife buys a rock from the pet store. Just before we arrive at the store, a fat kid is looking at the rocks and sneezes on them (because fat kids have no self control). He then has a dukey in his pants and wipes it on the rocks. A few minutes later, we pulll in and buy the sneezed-on and dukied-on rock. But this second newt is stronger than the first and doesn't die, but is mortally wounded. The Wife rushes the newt to the emergency vet on Sunday to have it healed. A $5.00 newt has just turned into a $300.00 excursion.

The above explanation, which occured at the dinner table, caused the Boy to Schnuber Schnooze and fart he laughed so hard. Yes, get the jackets with extra long sleeves, we are insane.

Proud Papa

2006-12-01T19:06:00.000-05:00

The Boy tells the following story at the dinner table today:

My teacher took me out in the hallway and asked if I had Tourette's Syndrome. I told her no, then she asked if I had any other problems I knew about. I told her no. Then she asked my why I keep shaking my head from side-to-side. I told her I needed my bangs trimmed.

We all broke into hysterical laughter at this point. The Boy does shake his head because the hair falls into his eyes and bothers him. His teacher believed he had a psychological disorder causing uncontrollable muscle tics. Moments like these make you proud to be a parent.

Oh nuts

2006-11-29T21:04:00.000-05:00

We were eating brownies with nuts in them for a snack.
The Girl: These would be better without the nuts.
The Boy: I agree, no nuts.
The Wife: I like nuts.
Me: Yes, Your mother is a fans of nuts.
The Boy: Dad, stop being sick.
The Wife: Not everything your dad says is sick you know.
Me: Yea, but this time it was.

The Boy is getting too old and too smart for these types of conversations at the dinner table. We will have to start speaking in code.

Leroy Da Vinci

2006-11-29T20:57:00.000-05:00

Tonight the family decided to play a game called Apples to Apples. The objecti of this game is to match your cards (with people's names and places on them) to the card chosen by a player with a word on it, such as wicked or funny.

The card the duaghter has chosen was "Brilliant." I put down my card with Leonardo Da Vinci on it. She read the card aloud, when she came to my card she said, "Leroy Da Vinci." We all cracked up. Everyone knows only his closest friends called him Leroy.

Lost

2006-11-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

The family spent much of the day cleaning the basement. Here is the conversation from the dinner table:

Me: Wow, we found a lot of lost things today; your (daughter) planner, the state of Ohio (puzzle piece), I wonder what else we might find. Pluto (it's not a planet any more), the Jupiter 2 - it was lost in space, the cast of Lost - they're all lost.
Daughter: Like your hair, that's lost.
Family: Hilarious laughter!
Son: Dad, you've been schooled!

No wonder adults drink alcohol.

Scaring girls

2006-11-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

Last night, the daughter had a friend over for a sleepover. They were outside in our backyard fort claiming there was a monster, possibly an alligator, in the wetlands behind our house. I went out to dispell any fears they had. As I left, I grabbed a stick and pounded on the bottom of the floor. Instantly I heard screaming. I went up the ladder, stomping my feet as I approached to door to the fort. I heard cries for help from two young voices. I entered the door and began laughing. One girl was under a small table and the other was hiding under a blanket, both were crying. You can imagine I was not expecting this reaction and felt horrible. After we all left the fort, the girls were laughing about it and told me they actually enjoyed it, even though they cried. Moral of the story: boys are more fun to scare than girls.

Don't buy this

2006-11-07T20:26:00.000-05:00

The wife has decided to tutor the kids on the fine art of playing Monopoly. Here is a conversation I overheard:
Wife: Remember, in my strategy guide titled How to Crush your opponent and then laugh maniacally while they are poor and homeless, I told you to buy EVERYTHING you land on then double the price and start pimping your opponents. Kindness is weakness, crying is for wussies! The only good transaction leaves your opponent bloody and under your boot heel.

With this kind of tutoring, how can they possibly lose?

Schnuber schnooze revealed

2006-10-30T20:05:00.000-05:00

My bro-in-law made mention to schnuber schnooze in a recent post. I thought it may be entertaining or even educational to explain the origin of this strange term. Let me take you way back - to the 1970's. A decade of disco, bell bottoms, and velour shirts (of which I had many). My good pal (heretofore referred to as Johnny T) and I were busy building model cars. On one trip to the Five and Dime store (only you old timers know that one) he showed me a model of a German half-track vehicle with a name too difficult to pronounce. I said, "oh look, it's a schnuber schnooze!" At this point, snot erupts from Johhny T's nose as he laughs uncontrollably. I also laughed but remained in control of all bodily fluids. When he was finished laughing, Johnny T beckoned me to get him a tissue, alas none was to be found. He wiped his snot on the box of the schnuber schnooze and we prmpotly left the store. To this day, the act of any fluid erupting from one's nose is known as schnuber schnooze. How I long for yesterday.

My Dog Lucky

2006-10-03T19:07:00.000-05:00

While going through her backpack, we found this classroom assignment completed by the girl:

My Dog Lucky
My dog Lucky is a collie. He is cute and very fuzzy. Lucky is red, brown, and white. Lucky is brain damaged. Before we got him when he was just a little puppy, a little boy threw him in his pool and he drownded. When people knock on the door he barks a lot. My dog Lucky is the cutest most fuzziest dog ever!

Very cute, and very disturbing at the same time. I have questions, as I am sure you all do too. Better left unasked.

Bad analogy

2006-09-13T19:08:00.000-05:00

Parental advisory - this post is not for small impressionable children and adults with mullets. The other day, I was petting the dog and I noticed a rather large ball of matted hair behind his ear (collies are famous for this especially when they are not brushed regularly). Thinking the wife was the only person within earshot, I utter the following, "Lucky has a hunk of matted hair as big as my nutsack." Just then the girl walks right in front of me and calls me, "A sicko." This goes under the category of things you don't want your children to overhear. Come to think of it, she right. I am a sicko. Not everyone can use "Nutsack" in daily conversation.

The evolution of names

2006-09-04T19:51:00.000-05:00

People have told me that I'm weird. It's hard for me to believe too, but it doesn't change this fact. Here is something that I do, and I am looking for feedback from the readers on this. I do not call my pets by their given names very often. Here is a brief example; we have a small dog names Penny. Here are some of the variations on her name over the past year or two:

Penny Pooper - due to her pooping in the house.
Penny the Pooper - kinda sounds Mafia ala Benny the snitch.
Pooperton - fancied up the name/occupation a little.
Pooperton Lambert III - now this is really fancy.
Little Frankie Pink Ears - Stay with me on this one, it gets complicated. After being groomed, she looked like that dog from Men in Black, Frank. Also, her hair is so short you can see pink skin on her ears.

Does anyone out there do this?